Coping with Sibling Fighting

Coping with Sibling Fighting


I’m an only child, so two things I worried about while pregnant with my second baby were:

1)   Will I love this baby girl as much as I love my son?

2)   How will I stop them from fighting all the time?


Now, the first question may seem crazy – lots of families have more than one kid. But, I’m an only child, and I have no experience with siblings. I didn’t want to have a favorite kid or have my first kid suffer because he only got half my love. A couple months after having my daughter, I could confidently say I felt like my capacity to love doubled instead of divided in half (now x 3 because I have three children). I tell you this because sometimes the answers to our questions come in a different way than we expect.


The second question I still struggle with, but now I try to approach differently.  I don’t try to stop the fighting, I try to help them ‘fight’ well. Let me explain.


One of our values in family ministries here at Parker Hill is Imagine The End. This means that in parenting, we don’t respond with what is easiest or a convenient ‘right now’ approach, but rather, we respond in terms of what we want at the end of our parenting journey. 


I want to raise adults that can manage conflict, be assertive and stand up for themselves, deal with power struggles, negotiate and compromise, and as a Christian parent – I want kids that love God and love people. To me, this means stepping into the conversation when it becomes unkind and unsafe – to teach both parties how to articulate what they want and what they need. Fighting is inevitable – and conflict is healthy.


In the beginning, I worried that because of sibling fighting, my children might:

·     Get physically or emotionally hurt

·     Never stop fighting

·     Become bullies

·     Develop poor relationship skills that will carry into adulthood

·     Lack empathy


Sometimes they do get hurt, and often it does feel like they will never stop fighting. Somedays I tell my husband I feel like I am a referee with name calling, blaming, lying, tattling, hitting, or even something as simple as “He’s looking at me.” It can be exhausting and infuriating. I mean, why can’t they just get along? 


To help me process this, I remind myself the possible “why” behind the fighting. Does she want to get attention or to feel powerful? Is she just bored or wanting to connect with her brother? Is she needing physical connection or trying to be the “favorite” kid? If I can answer the ‘why’, I am more likely to respond in a teachable way as opposed to just getting it to stop.


I am in between the preschool and elementary stage of parenting, meaning I have kids 7 years old and under. As my kids get older, my hope is that they develop skills to cooperate well, articulate and manage their emotions, and communicate effectively. But right now, they are still in the beginning stages of those skills. So, I still intervene frequently. 


To keep it simple, I try to prioritize these three things when I step into a heated conflict:

-      Who is hurt and how are they hurt

-      Process the conflict and choose skills to approach it differently next time

-      Forgive each other and reconnect the relationship


What are some ways that you resolve conflict in your family?

Developing faith skills in your preschooler

As a mom of three littles any given day can be full of dress-up, bug collections, fort building, or family dance parties. Or, on hard days, maybe it’s just full of Sofia the First and coffee (just for me of course). Each day, I wake up with a desire to reflect God’s character to my littles. I remind myself of the verse “The Lord is slow to anger and filled with unfailing love, forgiving every kind of sin and rebellion. But he does not excuse the guilty” (Numbers 14:18). This helps to get me focused to be a mother who is patient, full of faithful love, abounding in mercy, and someone who teaches their children the truth. Honestly, some days are better than others, and somedays I don’t even make it to breakfast without losing my cool. Being a parent of littles can get overwhelming quickly, so these are some strategies I learned along the way to help me focus on what’s important – pointing my kids toward Jesus.


1.     Utilize the tools your church provides


I am so thankful to be a part of church that values teaching the next generation about the love of God. Being a parent of preschoolers, I can be confident that they are beginning to learn about God and beginning to worship him. At Parker Hill, we use the Orange Curriculum because it fits into the model we follow as a church. “Orange is a strategy that combines the critical influences of the church and home to incite wonder, provoke discovery, and fuel passion in the hearts of the next generation” (


·      Parent Cue - At the beginning of each month, the Parent Cue is sent home with your   child. It looks like a laminated placement with activities to do with your child on one side and an overview of what your child will be learning that month on the other.


·       Social Media - Follow Parker Hill on Facebook: Parker Hill Mungu Land and on Twitter: @ParkerHill_Fam. Posted here are the stories your children watch weekly, links to purchase the songs as well as encouraging blogs.


·      Join a Group - Isolation is a breeding ground for self-doubt, disappointment, and resentment. Surrounding ourselves with other believers who are going through similar life circumstances is important. Join a group to connect with other parents. Breathing Room is a group that meets bi-monthly for just moms and Parker Hill offers community groups as well.



2.     Establish routines to worship and learn about God together


·      Repetition is important – At this age, repetition is important. How many times do we have to tell our kids to put their shoes away before they actually do it on their own? The same is true with teaching them about God. We have a unique opportunity at this age to develop routines that bring God into our everyday life. Some ways we do that in our house are prayer before meals and bedtime, singing and dancing to worship music together after dinner, and doing the Parent Cue together at breakfast. We are trying to use the key times we are together as a family not only to connect but also to learn about God and worship Him.


·      Speak the same language – At Parker Hill we hope that preschoolers learn these three basic truths before they graduate on to Elementary.


Jesus loves me
Jesus made me
Jesus wants to be my friend forever


I try to use this same language at home when we read a bible story or when answering spiritual questions.


3.     Be an example


Practice it in your own life – preschoolers are great imitators! We can show them what it looks like to follow God. Just like with most things during this stage, they come naturally to your child as you practice it in front of them. It doesn’t need to be anything fancy. Show your preschooler that a relationship with God is a natural, consistent part of your everyday life.


·      Consistent church involvement - I appreciate how my husband values consistent attendance and serving at church. Honestly, it can be hard to get three little people dressed, fed, and out the door. On these days, especially, I appreciate how my husband gently reminds all of us that is important to worship God with others and that it is important to be involved in serving those outside our family.


·      Continue to grow ourselves - Without consistent growth in our own lives, our relationship with God can become stale. I like using the SheReadsTruth App because I can do it on the go. Being an attender of Parker Hill also allows you a membership to RightNowMedia where you gain access to hundreds of studies and devotionals. Another option, if you like following along with the sermon series, you can also sign up here to get daily devotionals from Parker Hill sent to your email. It can become easy to use the excuse, that as a parent, we do not have time. Instead, try to use this as an opportunity to show your child what you do to build your personal relationship with God. It may be that you were only able to read the bible for 30 seconds before your 2 year old knocks over an entire cup of milk all over the kitchen, but small steps forward are still progress. 


Written by Meghan Willis. Meghan works in Family Ministry at Parker Hill. She and her husband, Ben, have three kids, Brady (6), Tessa (3), and Annie (9 months).






Wish I Could Turn Back Time

“Wish we could turn back time, to the good old days. When our momma sang us to sleep but now we’re stressed out.” Perhaps you’ve heard these words from the 21 Pilots song “Stressed Out”, and perhaps, like me, you have heard your kids singing along. At first, it struck me funny that my kids were talking about being stressed out, but the truth is, that being stressed out is a very real problem for our kids. We are inundated with media covering stories of depression, bullying, and suicide. Or maybe you’ve even experienced some of those topics first-hand. News reports from school shootings or any number of horrible situations leave us reeling and fearful for our children. We can feel ill-equipped to handle the weight of these issues, and it has many people analyzing the effectiveness of strategies that are supposed to combat this in our society today. In the past, experts have tried to combat low self-esteem with messages about our ability to become whatever you want to be. Kids were hurt when others were praised for their achievement, so trophies were then given to everyone. Despite these efforts, our kids are still stressed, depressed or wishing for the good old days.


So, what can we do as parents to help our kids? Maybe, like me, you will find these three things can help lower the stress your family:


Check my own stress level: How can I help my kids with stress if I am experiencing it myself? There are moments that trigger my own anxiety or stress. For example, I am not really known for my medical mind, so any health concern becomes serious for me. I think this started when my oldest child had a febrile seizure as an infant. At that point, I realized how little I knew, and felt so inadequate. I’m the type of person who should never google a symptom because it would only point to the fact that my child is probably dying of cancer. There are other triggers as well, but if I let my mind run away with these thoughts, it shows in my words and actions in front of my ever watchful kids. My voice and my posture become tense. It’s like my mind goes into emergency mode even when the situation doesn’t demand that kind of response. It is evident that I need to make a choice. I can either set myself up as someone who is ruled by the emotions of these triggers, or live in light of God’s strength despite feeling week. Monitoring our own stress levels and taking positive steps to cope with them can be the first step in helping our kids. If I am in an moment of weakness, I find that taking a moment to pray really helps to reset my focus and my trust in God. Reciting Philippians 4:8 helps me to remember to turn my mind back to God.

“Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.”


Speak God’s truth louder than the world’s lies: Have you ever really contemplated the truth telling role that you play in the life of your child? If you haven’t, just take a moment to think about it. Lies are everywhere. The media is full of them. Your child’s peers are probably speaking them often. Let’s be honest, so can we. The words that we speak falsely, thinking them harmless or even sometimes cute or humorous, set us up for failure. Our kids will pick up on the fact that we have not always been truthful, and this can end up being confusing and frustrating. One of the best things we can do for our kids is to set the Bible as the ultimate authority of truth, and then live our lives pointing to and reflecting that. What if my child were to come home from a day of school upset about someone calling them stupid? Often, my first response can be protection, where I am on the phone or emailing the teacher to figure out how to get this resolved. What if, instead, my “go to” was to take that moment to make an investment in my child’s character, filling his mind with the truth of who God has made him to be and how God has gifted him. To borrow another line from a song, “Sons and Daughters”, we can encourage our kids to think and even pray “when the lies speak louder than the truth, remind me that I belong to you.” Speaking these truths will help to build our child’s confidence into the person that He has created them to be. The more confident our children are in their identity as a child of God, the less affected they will be by the false identity created by our culture.


Be intentional about what your child takes in each day: It is hard enough for me to keep track of what my mind is taking in each day, so the idea of keeping track of what my kids take in seems like a daunting task. Still, this is no excuse, and it is worth my time and effort. Am I setting my child up to hang out with other kids that will benefit and build them up or am I just let them wander to who is convenient? Am I let them hang in a virtual world all evening rather than giving them opportunities to be interacting and growing with real life relationships and circumstances? Am I aware of the music and media that is feeding into how they see the world and themselves? Am I setting up key people, family members or mentors, to continually invest in my child’s mind and heart? There will be plenty of influences throughout the day, so we need to be purposeful about turning up the volume for those influences that are filling our child spiritually and relationally. Instead of constantly having the tv on, try turning on some praise music. Preschool is a great time to start having little family dance parties, or hearing your kids sing worship songs at any age while driving in the car will do your hearts good!


If “stressed out” is how you would define family life right now, recognizing it and taking a next step is key. If it is an overwhelming issue, some consistent, godly counseling could be life changing. Otherwise, developing some of these practices can help set us back to living in a healthy family rhythm.

Written by Karis Stiles. Karis is the Director of Family Ministry at Parker Hill. She and her husband Kevin have three kids, Kessyde (20), Dakota (17), and Kohen (12). 

What can we do when we feel helpless as parents?


Can I make a confession? Sometimes I feel so helpless as a mom of three. It can come when the children start fighting, again. When unkind words are said. When a child acts up in class. When they are disrespectful to another adult. When they need the grace to figure life out, but they are driving you crazy.

As our children grow up our level of control goes down. And that can feel scary. When those stresses come, we have the choice to try to handle it on our own or bring it to God. Prayer is how we put it all on God’s shoulders.

Sometimes it can sound cliche to recommend prayer. Of course, Christians are supposed to pray. And it sounded trite to me until I experienced my helplessness as a mom in such a way that I needed God big time. I found myself in a situation, frustrated and completely helpless as to what to do.

In John 15:5, Jesus calls us as His children to abide in Him, the vine. We can’t be connected without talking to Him through prayer.

So what did I do? I went to Him. I go to Him. I open my hands in surrender, and I pour my heart out. I tell Him my fears, my frustration, and my hopes. I beg Him for the hearts of my children. I ask for wisdom and guidance. I pray for specific situations and specific things I hope for them. And ultimately, and this is when the tears come, I surrender them. I give up control; I give up the way I think it should look. And I trust. I choose to trust, over and over and over. And it’s hard because guess what? The next day, I need to do it again.

Looking back to the vine, what happens as the branches stay connected? Fruit. Not produced by us through control or striving. But through the only one who can, Jesus. And what is extra beautiful is that I am changed. As I meet with Jesus and I go with Him to the deep places of my heart, He works. I am closer to Him, I trust Him more. As a result, fruit flows out of me in the best way possible for my family.

So, what’s a next step you can take? Depending on where you are here are a few ideas:

  • Just start. Set a goal, pray for your kids 10 minutes 3 times a week.
  • Begin your time with God by opening your heart to Him. Be willing to enter into those deep places of yourself with Him.
  • Invite others in. Don’t do it alone, invite a spouse, friend, sibling. Invite them to pray with you and for you.
  • When a child is driving you crazy, and your frustration builds, take them aside. Pray with them. It is one of the best ways to break down walls and to ask God to do the work that you can’t do.


Are you feeling helpless? Start praying.

Written by Robyn White. Robyn is married to Dan White, campus pastor for Parker Hill at Clarks Summit and a mother to three kids, Aiden (7), Gavin (4), and Madelyn (3). 

Make Room for What Matters

Make Room for What Matters - Written by Susie Aulisio.
Susie is a wife to Jeff and mother to three kids, Ava (13), Sarah (9), and Luke (7). She serves in Family Ministries at Parker Hill.              

When I was pregnant with my first child, I spent most of my free time reading “What to Expect When Your Expecting” from cover to cover. I would close my eyes at night, or in the middle of the day back then, and envision holding my baby. My perfect, quiet, non-crying, good sleeper, happy, smiley baby. What was I thinking?!

Once Ava, my first-born, was here my world felt like it turned upside down. I hardly got any sleep and my quiet, happy baby was more like loud and cranky, and the smiles were most likely linked to gas! Just getting ready to leave the house was an ordeal. I would spend more time packing enough diapers, bottles, and extra outfits than the time I was out of the house. Why didn’t someone, anyone write a book on this?!

Becoming a parent is more than just the next phase in life. It is a change, a big change… a life change. Our routines are off, and our schedules are most often times thrown out the window. We have a beautifully created life fighting for all of our time and attention. It can become very easy to lose our focus in all of this. And when we lose our focus, we lose our priorities and what is most important to keep our lives and the lives of those around us peaceful, happy and in at least some kind of order.

I am here to tell you that I have survived. I am a mom to three great kids; Ava-13, Sara-9, and Luke-7, and a wife of 15 years to my husband, Jeff. Being a wife and a mom is the greatest gift I have been given. I have always felt it is our biggest role in life to lead our children in the right direction in this crazy world, and sometimes that may even mean we have to make our own paths.

Prioritizing, for me, was never about routines and schedules. Having a strict schedule was never my forte. In our home, it was always about what matters most in our lives; having peace, showing love, finding joy, securing positive relationships, and making sure our home and our community were safe places. Things, activities and people will always try to fight their way in and try to replace these fundamentals, but having these things in place first always seems to make room for the other less but still important stuff.

Stay Focused…
It’s easy to lose focus. We have so many things trying to grab our attention and cause us to lose direction. While raising small children, our minds can wander. And when our minds wander, everything else seems to follow. For me, staying focused is being thankful for all things, even the not so good things. Prayer has always been important to me. It is my quiet time, and my way of comforting and protecting my family. Start and end each day by thanking God for the many blessings in your life. When you focus on being thankful everything else will follow.

Stay Connected…
The relationships I formed in the church were and are still valuable to me as a mom. Giving up the 10am nap schedule on a Sunday was always a no-brainer for me. What I gained was so much more. I was surrounded by a community that offered wisdom, much needed friendships, and showed my family and I just how important it was to make this a priority in our lives. Because of this example, my children have remained connected in their own small groups on Sunday and my oldest even serves as a Crew member with her friends.

Keep Discovering…
I never like to use the word “busy”. When I find myself saying, “I’m too busy”, I cringe and immediately try to change my words and my mindset. When you are too busy, you miss things. We have a saying around Parker Hill, “It’s just a phase, don’t miss it!”. Of course we would never dream of missing our child’s first steps, first words, or first day of school. As they grow their ‘firsts’ may look a little different, but are still worthy of positive attention. The first blanket fort they build in the living room on a rainy day, the first time you have to sop up all the water on the kitchen floor from your little one “doing the dishes”.  Enjoy these moments together, make time to create them.

Priorities look a lot different for everyone. Sometimes priorities take the shape of calendars, timers or a set of rules. To me, priorities aren’t as tangible. It is my relationship with God that I hope I am mirroring to my children and others around me.  It is investing in the lives of people that gives my family a community and it is having the joy and peace in our homes that comes with raising little ones and living in their greatest, and sometimes not so greatest moments. A book will never be able to prepare you for this journey of parenthood; but keeping your focus, staying connected and living an engaging life with your family is a great start. “It’s just a phase, don’t miss it”!

How Imperfect Parents Pass on their Faith

How Imperfect Parents Pass on their Faith


Written by Dan White. Dan is a pastor for Parker Hill at the Clarks Summit Campus. He is a husband to Robyn and a father to Aiden (7), Gavin (4), and Madelyn (3). 


Have you ever been carried away by the moment?

Recently, my three-year-old daughter and I were captivated by the nature documentary Planet Earth II. We watched as a baby lizard was chased by predators. I was caught up in the moment. I yelled at the TV, “Run! Run little guy!” (Like my cheering would make any difference). The small lizard momentarily avoided becoming a snake’s lunch.  I breathed a sigh of relief. Then the snake snuck up again. This time my little girl started shouting, “Run! Run little guy! Run!” I did a double take at my sweet girl yelling with intense urgency. I don’t know why I was surprised that she is turning into a mini-me.


They say more is caught than taught.


As parents, we can hear this truth of life with a sense of dread. We know our flaws. As a result, we try to hide our mistakes, so our kids don’t inherit the bad parts of us. But that would be the wrong approach.


Parents, you have the honored first place in your child’s life. They care what you think, they’ll copy what you do, and they have a front row seat to so much of you. Here are two ways to leverage your close proximity to produce a genuine faith.


1) Let your awareness of your weaknesses drive you to Jesus.


You can’t give away what you don’t have. If your faith is not personal to you, it won’t be personal to them either. That’s why it’s so vital for you to cultivate a genuine relationship with God.


Everything flows from your connection with God. In John 15:5 Jesus says, “I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.” I don’t know much about growing things. But here’s what I do know: plants we don’t care for don’t produce the most fruit.


Make a thriving relationship with God your highest priority. Get up early, put on a show, set up a time when your husband takes over with the kids—whatever it takes to spend some time with your Savior.


The greatest gift you will ever give your family is your walk with God. It’s not about being perfect. It is about being authentic. So when you fall short, fall at His feet. When you don’t feel you can keep going, go to Him for a fill-up. Let your awareness of your weaknesses drive you to Jesus.


Your weaknesses don’t disqualify you as a parent—they show you where you need Jesus. And the grace you get when you are with Him will overflow into your parenting. When you are captivated by God and His grace—your kids will pick up on it!


2) Let your life in-process teach your kids how to process life.


What if you didn’t hide your faults from your kids? What if you courageously and appropriately spoke about your struggles with your children? I think they would catch more from our lives than all the speeches we could ever give. 


Here’s what I mean: I love to watch a movie’s bonus features. The finished movie is pretty cool—but seeing how they pulled off that perfect shot or scene is even more interesting to me. Your life is that way too. Just showing your kids your best moments—the highlight reel—may be impressive. But the behind-the-scenes is more informative.


Your kids don’t just need to see the highlights of a godly faith. They need to see the “how-to” of genuine faith. So, let them in behind the scenes to see how God helps you over hurdles, through hardships, and when life hurts.


Help your kids grow a real faith by inviting them into the imperfect process of your faith.


•   What better way to show them what forgiveness looks like than to ask them for forgiveness after you blow up in anger?

•   What will stick with them more than praying together when you need help paying a bill?

•   How will they know what faith looks like when the feelings fade unless you level with them about your journey too?


They say more is caught than taught. Be captivated by God and His grace—and don’t be surprised when your mini-me is too!